Funny Contest

come check me out and 15 other very funny kids contest it up!
Friday, May 1st, 7:30pm
DSI Comedy Theatre

See you there,
Me

http://www.dsicomedytheater.com/shows/details/carolinas-funniest/

I know I know

I have been lame. here and across most of my life over the last few weeks, ah maybe a month. But...if you come to The Blank Slate Comedy show April edition this Wednesday then I promise to write, write!
Wednesday, tomorrow, 8pm
The Fuse on Rosemary Street in Chapel Hill.
FREE.
A host, comics, and drinks. A good trifecta!
See you there

voted the best short joke

3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked,
'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied

ok come on....

is he the cutest pop a gal could ask for? the appropriate answer is YES!
Happy Wednesday. I know I have been slack in the posting lately...been sick, working, and tired. I am back on it starting next week, March 1st...along with getting my jiggly butt off the couch and out on the road a running.

The Blank Slate Comedy show this week!

Come to the Fuse and see a great comedy show!
Wednesday, February 18th, 8pm
A fantastic host, five very talented slightly insane comedians, and a Carolina Basketball game humming in the background.

FREE.

Come on!

Feb 09 in North Carolina

Operation Get my shit together...develop better habits...save money...not sure what to call this "plan yet"
So far so good...meaning "so good" as in sub par and all such references.
The plan for this morning?
Get up at 6:30am (normally I get my 40 something ass out of bed at 7:15amISH)
Crank up some coffee.
Turn on laptop.
Write for 20 minutes.
Shower. Dress. drive. bus ride. work. be productive.

So far the plan?
Woke up at 6am, alarm did it.
Hit snooze till 7:16am.
Turned on laptop. Listened to NPR news.
No TV, no Today Show - that in itself is good - I mean really what is the purpose of that show but to make people that are NOT Ann, Al, Matt, and Meredith feel awful about themselves? That is rhetorical people...I know, stay positive, after all Feb is only 28 days. Hey wait a minute is that the average length of days, of stay for rehab? interesting...
Laid in bed and THOUGHT about writing for 20 minutes...
No coffee.
Showered. Got dressed.
First outfit placed on body went with - another unusual feat.
Started car. Defrosted windows (ice is sticky people...open the door damn it!)
Got to bus stop for 8am bus.
Coffee at fav coffee shop, chatted and laughed with friend that gave me free cup.
At desk just before 8:30am...whew!
Working. Actually being focused...well...ah...ok sort of.
It is the little things people. Baby steps. Wahhhhhh....

Tomorrow awaits me. Perhaps, up at 7am, coffee, turn on laptop, open up new word doc. then Thursday. all in a plan, all in a day.

It is snowing, snowing, and snowing at my house this morning.
I made an attempt to get out of my driveway to go to work earlier today.
3 inches is what I was able to accomplish.
Back out of the car, into the house, covered in white dust.
And still now, 3 hours later, still snowing. it is so beautiful.
so clear, crisp and clean. A day to stay inside, in long johns, fire a going
and the inauguration activities streaming on my television at low volume in the background. perfect Monday, finally. I guess it is a perfect Monday due to the fact that it is Tuesday.
Work will now be hectic tomorrow and for the rest of the week since I am not there today. It is worth it.
I did cry this morning as I was watching a story about Obama and his path to where he is now. The first time I have done so through it all. It came out of nowhere and did not last long, just a few tears. No words to describe the feeling, none that would do justice I think. So I shall continue to be here inside warm, sipping coffee, writing, and feeling so healthy and hopeful. Ah crap, how am I suppose to write funny stuff now?

Always learning, growing, living

a friend o mine recently told me that he is a vegetarian. not a strict one though. as he is more concerned with eating healthy and if meat happens to play into that then that is just fine. Some meats are leaner, healthier than others. I know I know that is not the meaning of the word...I did say to him, as he used the word multiple times, "you know, you keep using that word, vegetarian, and I do not think it means what you think it means" - Princess Bride.
So anyway, he has decided then that he can eat, will eat, only meat that has wings. So turkey, chicken and of course angels. So you can imagine my surprise when a few days after he shared this information with me, he said to me as we said goodbye after hanging out one evening at da bar, "See you later and you know I have to tell you, you really are an angel"
Happy Whatever You Believe In babies!

I have no idea why but it fits, and i like it

Every day I get an email from this dude, George Mateljan, well it is from his foundation to be 100% truthful. it is whfoods.org and they claim to have the world's healthiest foods...or promote them, that way of eating, anyway.
Each day he sends me an email with a daily recipe and food tip.
I don't often make the recipes...correction, ah I have never used any of the recipes in the emails. But I do open up each one, read through it as well as the tip for the day. For some reason it comforts me. That even though I don't actually cook the recipes, I know they exist, that they are out there. I am trying to be healthier and some how this is a step in that process. I am becoming healthy through osmosis. I have no idea why but it all seems to fit.

My mom called me this morning around 8am. When I saw the call come in and knew it was her I was ready. When I answered I said, "Don't sing!" She did not sing, she laughed and laughed and I then laughed and laughed. It was somewhere in the area of a 2 to 3 minute laugh fest! it was the best. a perfect present for today.
I've included the recipe and food tip below for your enjoyment, in whatever form that works best for you.

And in the true spirit of my bornday and the holidays now upon us, and as I heard a kid exclaim in the early morning Christmas Parade I witnessed this last Saturday (more on that surreal experience later...much more indeed),
here's wishing you all a very,
"Happy Whatever you Believe in!" this season.

Today's Recipe
If you don't know what to have for dinner tonight ...
If you want to enjoy great flavor along with an excellent source of vitamins, K, A, D, tryptophan, selenium and protein then try this easy-to-prepare recipe that creates a delicious broth, which you will want to savor to the very last drop.
Poached Halibut with Fennel & Cauliflower

Ingredients:
1½ lbs halibut cut into 8 pieces
1 TBS fresh lemon juice
1TBS + 1 cup chicken or vegetable broth
1 medium sized onion cut in half and sliced medium thick
1 large carrot, turned about 1½ inch pieces
1½ cups cauliflower florets cut into quarters
1 medium sized fennel bulb sliced medium thick
5 medium cloves garlic pressed
salt and black pepper to taste
chopped fennel green tops for garnish

Directions:
Slice onion and chop garlic and let sit for at least 5 minutes to bring out their hidden health-promoting properties.
Rub halibut with lemon juice and season with a little salt and pepper. Set aside.
Heat 1 TBS broth in a 12 inch stainless steel skillet. Healthy Saute onion in broth over medium heat for 5 minutes stirring frequently.
Add rest of broth and carrots. Simmer on medium heat for about 10 minutes covered.
Add cauliflower, fennel, and garlic. Place halibut steaks on top and continue to cook covered for about 6 more minutes. Season with salt and pepper
Serve halibut with vegetables and broth. Sprinkle with chopped fennel greens.
Serves 4

Is one type of sweetener better than the other for my body and the way my body processes them?

Your question can be answered in a variety of different ways. First, in terms of overall nutritional quality, it's always better to get your "sweeteners" as part of whole, natural foods rather than separately purchased products that you add to your food.
I realize that many people simply have a "sweet tooth" and are accustomed to sweetening a good number of foods and beverages. However, the routine use of added sweeteners can sometimes detract from the naturally sweet flavors of foods.
Carrots, for example, are a naturally sweet vegetable. They're about 15% sugar in terms of total calories; they contain an array of sugars including sucrose, glucose, and fructose. However, to many people carrots do not taste sweet, and the reason sometimes involves the total amount of sugar to which a person has become accustomed. A large carrot will contain about three-quarters of a teaspoon of sugar at most. If you're accustomed to one to two teaspoons of any added sugar in your coffee or tea, or as an added glaze on an entrée, your carrot may no longer be as enjoyable to you because it may seem non-sweet by comparison.
Second, in the same way that I prefer natural foods as a source of all dietary sugars (please see the carrot example above), I also prefer natural sources of extracted sugar products. For example, agave nectar is a sweetener extracted from the agave plant, and it contains a variety of nutrients that are naturally found in the agave plant. While these nutrients are found in relatively small amounts in agave nectar, this sweetener is still a better nutritional choice because of this natural diversity. Agave nectar is about 70% fructose in terms of its sugar composition. However, this abundance of fructose is not the reason I favor its use as a sweetener for individuals who have decided to use added sweeteners. The reason I favor its use is because agave nectar is more natural and less processed than many other available sweeteners. Table sugar, for example, provides no nutritional variety whatsoever, even though it originates in a natural plant (sugar cane).
Your best choice of sweeteners always involves those sweeteners that are most natural and least processed. This is the reason I like whole, natural foods as the source for sweetness in a Healthiest Way of Eating. However, for individuals wanting added sweeteners, my top choices would be honey and natural nectars, including agave nectar. I strongly recommend the purchase of organic honey, since bees can inadvertently pick up pesticide residues and other potential contaminants while gathering pollens in any pesticide-containing environment. Organic agave nectar would also be my recommended choice for this sweetener. Other sweeteners that I also like are organic maple syrup and organic blackstrap molasses. If you need to use a product that acts like regular sugar, then I would suggest organic evaporated cane juice, since it is less processed than refined sugar and contains more nutrients.
When it comes to dietary sugars, the key to supporting your body's metabolism is moderation. Any dietary sugar can disrupt your body's metabolism if eaten excessively. I don't believe that the research supports intake of any added sugar in large amounts, regardless of its "naturalness" or degree of processing. I also don't believe it makes sense to focus on the exact composition of sugars within a natural food or within a natural, minimally processed sweetener. Different foods have different sugar composition, and I believe that these differences are healthy provided that the foods are organically grown and are consumed as close to their whole, natural condition as possible.

say hello to my new little friends...

they got me through the day today.

Wedsnesday, a big day

I have decided the following:
1. this birthday, soon upon me, is the birthday where now i am forever here on out to remain the age I am now...or I am whatever age people tell me I am.
2. that it is very cool when a dude you like calls you sug or babe.
3. i will never get enough sleep
4. i love facebook
5. it is ok that i record Bad Girls reality show - they really are not that bad. Just bad at not drinking too much and getting in fights, getting kicked out of bars in LA. But hey what is youth for anyway?
6. even when i don't "nail" a performance i still really love being up there in front of the mic
7. my current lip gloss feels like fly paper on my lips and I am hesitant about wearing it outside of the office...
8. bacon cheeseburgers ARE always a good idea
9. i simply cannot go out and have just ONE beer. Not 12 necessarily, but never just ONE. I was good last night. Had three and was in bed by midnight.
10. i love hot water

The Christmas Story quotes & ah Ralphie is aging nicely don't ya think?

• "I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"

• "You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

• "Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian."

• "In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan."

• "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

• "Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a 'triple dare ya?' And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare."

• "Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!"

• "He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny."
"He does not!"
"He does, too, he looks like a pink nightmare!"

ah the holidays are upon us...

i really do love this time of year. i am in a new place this year. well new after a long time being gone. the air is crisp, a light breeze, and it feels like snow is just around the corner. It is not NYC yet I like it here now at this time of year. There is a different sort of noise in the background than NYC. No horns, sirens or clamping of feet...all good in their own way, truly. But now for me it is the swoosh of my car wheels on the blacktop, the rustle of tall trees in my back yard talking, the crunch of brown leaves under my black boots (you can take the gal out of NYC alas NYC, a tad of it, always stays within the gal) in the driveway, and the echo of a neighborhood dog announcing the day to come. Now back in the area where I grew up I am constantly flooded, at times overwhelmed, with memories, flashes of the past moments of my life. Mostly good, some not so much bad as they are complex. For the first time in a long time I am confident in my choices. The choice to move back here for a better job, to be with family, to pursue my writing is the best one I have made in a long time, maybe ever. Solid ground beneath my legs I can see and feel and that is priceless. This time of year also makes me think about a trip taken a long time ago around this time of year. I was 18, it was 1984 (please don't do the math!), with my parents, little brother, to florida to see grandparents, and this car! A 1971 Buick Special Stationwagon - can you imagine? Good times and Happy Holidays to me! It is the canvas for my Holiday from Hell story I am sharing with people this coming Tuesday at the Monti. http://www.themonti.org/
It started out as a trip from hell, for an 18 year old at least it was, and then turned into something amazing...when one least expects it...
I will post the story here someday...I have to tell you the writing of one's past, reliving and investigating one's past is so interesting, scarey and comforting all in rolled into a big ole emotional ball of craziness. I am liking it. Happy Holidays!

Rainy Sunday in North Carolina

coffee shop

I'm here at a coffee shop.
coffee in a to go cup.
I'm staying. I'll go eventually.
I'm sure it pisses off the young, sullen, struggling kids behind the bar.
That pleases me.
I smile.
They frown.
At last, an expression, movement.
My work here is done.
I shall go now.
More coffee?
Sure, why not? Pour it into my to go cup.
Afterall, I can be green too.

Happy Gobble Gobble to all

Here is wishin you all a very happy and splendid Thanksgiving.
Whether you are with family, friends, pets, the television, in the country, in the city, eating dinner at 2pm or 6:30pm, I so wish you all the ability to give true thanks for all you have or for that matter do not have. I am truly thankful for you, this blog and my life right now. It is not anywhere near where I thought it would be at this point or even at all imagined yet here I am and therefore I am thankful.
Eat it. Sleep it. Thank it.

psst...as a side note; doesn't my head in this picture look like it has been shrunk and put back on my body? And are my arms on steroids? Still thankful. Hey, I got arms!

It's been a good Tuesday, for a change!

an email I got today from the O camp that I wanted to share...

Friend -- (that is me! I know that this is a mass email that went out to all supporters of the O, but it is still cool to see my name in print)

Today and yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced key members of an economic team tasked with creating jobs, stabilizing the economy, and getting our country back on track.

Barack is bringing together some of the best minds in the country to make swift progress on the economic challenges we face.

Timothy F. Geithner, president and CEO of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, will serve as Secretary of the Treasury. Lawrence H. Summers, former Secretary of the Treasury under President Clinton, will serve as Director of the National Economic Council.

Christina D. Romer will serve as Director of the Council of Economic Advisers, Melody C. Barnes will serve as Director of the Domestic Policy Council, and Heather A. Higginbottom will serve as Deputy Director of the Domestic Policy Council.

Peter Orszag, currently Director of the Congressional Budget Office, will serve as Office of Management and Budget Director, and Rob Nabors will serve as Deputy Director.

Michelle Maclay, currently a Public Communications Specialist at the UNC School of Medicine, a part time writer and comedy open mic host will serve as the White House in-house clown, chick of all laughter supplier, new puppy petter, and all around representative for good times in the new administration. She will stay in Chapel Hill, NC and visit the White House on the weekends and via satellite when needed, on call so to speak. During the month of December Michelle will be hiring various staff to support the funny. Do not look for her in any pictures as she will be keeping a low profile and is not interested in stealing the thunder of the First Michelle.

Barack's economic team has already begun work on a recovery plan, and he'll provide progress updates in the coming weeks. He'll also provide their initial recommendations to the incoming Congress.

You'll be instrumental in generating support to pass legislation that puts America on the road to recovery.

While we can't underestimate the challenge we face, we also can't underestimate the opportunity we have to bring the change our country needs.

Thanks,

David

David Plouffe
Campaign Manager
Obama for America

this weekend I heard and I liked...

1. "I'm desparate, that doesn't make me wrong"
2. "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever."
3. "see you sug"
4. "that is the zesty BBQ sauce"
5. "Nice to meet you all, well I didn't meet you, but I am sure you are quite lovely."
6. "Santa beer? Ok sure why not."

This week we give thanks to...[insert what you are thankful for here]
Think on it as I am sure there is plenty to fill in. I know for me there is...

there is always one in the crowd...

i am pretty sure she has been to one of my shows!

Tuesday tatter...on a Wednesday. That is just like Tuesday!

Tuesday is…Tuesday is that day where things seem to come, to happen all at once.
Monday was ok cause the residue of the spent weekend has not quite yet seeped into your skin.
Then here you are…the second day of the work week and all is crashing down.
Wednesday seems too far in the future and that leisurely, blissful Sunday afternoon is now lost way back there in the past.
Off from the day you go to the place where it can all be made better, for a while.
That local pub, bar, gathering house.
You walk in and people smile, greet you, say, “hey” and call you by name.
A beverage is had, and a friend asks you, “How was your day?”…and they truly want to know.
A college basketball game is on the small screen. The team you loved as a child and that team is winning; killing the other team.
It gives you solace and you purr deep down inside as you listen to the announcer scream in the background while you laugh, give a high five to that gal pal you just met.
Another beverage is consumed and a squeeze, a smile from that handsome man you think is cool continues your therapy onward.
A heated interesting discussion with a Brit inspires you and in the back of your mind you write another chapter to that book that is still cataloged deep down in your soul.
Standing by the back door you and two strong women you think a lot of debate, dissect and laugh on a common problem. And your therapy leaps upward and onward.
Then you must go home, to eat some late dinner, go to bed for the next day is soon approaching.
You lay your head down. Within minutes the alarm goes off. Light shoots through the blinds.
Up you rise, rinse and slurp the first cup of java for the day. Thankful that even though you did live yesterday as if you would die tomorrow, you are not dead.
And as you park your car, lock it up and stroll to that bus that will take you to your next work day you say under your breath…
”Well hey it’s Wednesday, Friday is just around the corner and ain’t that grand?”
Then you touch your head, actually feel the headache on your finger tips from the Co2 of last night liquid and it hurts, but you don't mind. You just get on that bus and you go.

Monday wisdom

Getting a permanent job with health insurance isn't really about me and making sure I have coverage in case something happens. It is more realizing, acquiring the knowledge that now I have no burden of being a burden to those that love me. That is what health insurance insures for me.
And then in turn, that realization is actually a sign that I am getting wiser...not more mature necessarily (as if, ga, for reals, awesome!), only gaining a broader perspective and getting more little bitty lines around the eyes and mouth. Yet being ok with those lines...most days.
I did decide this morning, as I realized that my birthday is now less than a month a way (barely), that from now on out I am the age I am now, from here on out till I actually look like that age. Or until people consistently guess my correct age.