I am living inside of my soul

I am living inside of my soul.
I am there alone. No one else can get in.
I am looking out from it, searching, wanting.
People and places swirl all around me.
They come close, touch for a brief moment and then are gone.
The door is not locked, only closed tight.
I am living inside of my soul.
I am here alone. No one else can get in.
I am pushing open the door, anxious, hoping.

I wonder

I wonder if you are angry.
I wonder if you are hurt.
Are you upset that I am still one?
Are you lamenting on things not happened?
I wonder if these are your feelings or just mine.
I wonder if this thing we call time is still here, for me, for you.
I am laughing with you and it makes me sparkle inside.
I see you look at me with pride and I know you and I are ok.
Yet then I catch you grabbing a glimpse and a smile at the small child.
I wonder if you desire her or him to be your legacy, deep down, I wonder.
Are you sad?
Are you cross or just resigned?
Perhaps you are just you and I am just me and together we are here.
I wonder if that is enough and if I shall cry this eve as I did last night.
I cry for things not lost but things not yet to be.
It will have to be enough I fear. I fear it will be all.
I enter that fear meaning to tackle it, to eliminate it.
I wonder when the release will come, when I will stop the wonder.
I wonder.

Now that was a party...

There was a birthday kick ass party that took place this last Saturday.

Measurement

How does one measure oneself? This question is running around in my head today. Does one even measure at all? I think we stray from it, this quest for fear of, well simply fear. What will we find if we really try to answer this question. Once we start to find some answers, some options, what then? Do we then have to change? Well we don't have to DO anything, really. I mean we are Americans. Americans can do whatever they want. Or not do anything they want. Back to the topic. How do I measure myself? What is my worth? There seems to be this constant ebb and flow of confidence and self doubt. I am this sandy shore where each wave against me is unknown. splash, I love me and my life, splash, I hate me and what the hell am I doing with my life, let alone here in this place? Splash, splash and so on. Is it by money and how much is needed to be of value? Is it owning items or property and again what is the magic number of such things? People you choose to be with, surround yourself with? I think perhaps you discover the ruler in which to measure and then you can answer this question. Well duh. Just helps me to say it, write it out loud. I will let it keep bouncing around in my cute little head today and see what I land on. I suspect it will be people and me. I measure me by the people I choose to be with, spend time with and ultimately me. I measure myself with, by me. Or not.

HAPPY

FRICKIN BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Two peas in a pod

me and Jane Austin.

Both born on December 16th.

I am working on it Miss Jane, I promise.

Thank you for being...

“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” - J.A.

5 lines I want to hear...

1. "You could be my scene"

2. "What you are saying is so dead on"

3. "We were kidding, you don't really owe that money"

4. "It is normal to want to get paid to lay in bed, watch movies and read all day"

5. "Sometimes things just happen and there is no reason why"

She stands in front of the mirror

She stands in front of the mirror.
The look is the same.
Understood, clear, a known veneer.

She raises the sharp instrument to her face.
Cuts without blame.
Focused, determined, not in a race.

A first cut brings relief.
The second confirms the choice.
A release of fear and grief.

A third, a fourth and fifth.
Swiftness now her driver.
Liberation now catching her fall from cliff.

All done with whispy pieces on the floor.
Already dead now discarded from her skull.
A small battle won in a larger war.

Within budget

The French novelist Flaubert once said, "To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." He may have even said it more than once, not sure. This motivates me to create quotes of my own that someday will be used by people blogging, I assume on the Moon, Mars, underground...or is that just stupid? I hope so. Be happy today kids. It is within your control, your power and one of the few things left that is FREE. Peace and love and all that crap this holiday season.

It's Birthday Week for me!

This is not me but this chick looks cool and this COULD be me on my birthday. It is an album ahem CD that someone named Michelle is currently listening to. I love Google images by the by and as you three in my fan base know. Saturday is my birthday. I am jacked. My best gal pals are coming from NYC to see me, I'm having a rockin cocktail party with a wide variety of people to attend and I hear a piece of art work is being made just for me. Is this a great country or what? Probably or what, but for me this week it is great. This is a big one for me and I am very much looking foward to it. My book is still unwritten, the outline just now being edited and I know it will get published. (Don't get excited you three...this is an analogy to my life not my actual book. I will call you when that happens more than likely in 2 to 3 years!) To all with December birthdays let's make 'em the best ever.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Real Beauty

Something beautiful happened to me over this last weekend. I did not win the lottery, I did not get married, give birth to a healthy baby, nor did I meet the man of my dreams, I did not lose that five pounds, I did not run the marathon, no wrinkles were lost from my face, I did not get laid, I did not find the meaning to life, solve my financial issues, answer all my questions about me and why I am fucked up...no no, not yet.
The above all beautiful things to happen to a person for sure. No this past weekend I spent a magical day and a half with my mom. We drove across the bay bridge to Virginia Beach on Saturday morning. Her lively, even you could say bubbly with anticipation self driving us and I, hunched over, barely breathing, hung over, sleep deprived yet showered sitting next to her in the passenger seat. The sun was shining, the water glimmered, and seagulls perched on the bridge rail, braced against the wind as if Hercules’ blood coursed through their little bodies. We listened as the radio channeled the Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me program out to our ears, our hearts, our minds, causing us to laugh and think all at once.
Two women in a car. Two women bound by DNA, friends by choice. A mother and a daughter. Sisters at heart.
We went to the mall. I don’t know the name. Neither relevant to the story nor matter since all malls look the same. Possess the same items, people and importance. The country mice were in the city and they were having a good time. We got lost in the mall, walked in circles and all the while giggling and snorting. We ate lunch at Chili’s and it was actually good. We spent an hour in Bath and Body Works. Smelling, rubbing on lotion after lotion and all the while just laughing. We were in love with the store. We left, came back and bought a variety of small bottles of lotion. All filled with a unique and delicious smell. We felt content with our small purchases, superior to those around us carrying large, and brand name labeled shopping bags. We saw a movie and at one point in it we laughed so hard (Will Farrell so go figure) that I peed just a wee bit in my pants. My Mom did not take a breath for half a second. We spent the night in an Ecnolodge on the beach. Watched cable television – a treat for us country gals – Read our books freshly purchased from the larger than life Barnes and Noble bookstore just that very night. Ate sushi and drank hot tea. We poked fun at others, at ourselves, politics and argued lightly on the number of sushi pieces we each consumed. All is fair in love and sushi I believe the saying goes. We woke to the shore below us sounding the beginning of a new day. Hotel coffee brewed in minutes, showers with hot water and pressure thrilled us. More lotion, more teasing was had and off to a new day. We went to a health food store, a hippie bookstore and loaded up on incense and dreamed of buying the lavish finger puppets on display as we chomped down on organic grilled cheese sandwiches and slurped homemade tomato bisque. We grabbed yummy fattening coffee drinks from one of the million Starbucks on our way back toward the bridge, toward the shore, the country, home.
My Mom fell asleep as I drove us over the ocean, waves crashing softly beneath our car, the same seagulls I suspect now resting calming on the rail, another day survived. Home in time for the sun to greet us before resting for the early evening. Welcomed by a large and loving dog whose heart I am sure was filled with hope of dog biscuits to come.
Red wine did we drink as she cleaned the kitchen and I cleaned my room, my bathroom; the spaces I know possess and cherish. Incense burned, music played and circumstance appreciated as the evening drifted on toward Monday.
Not unusual. Not spectacular by any celebrity standards I know. A day and a half with my mother. A day and a half with my best friend. Beautiful.