M Street

An excerpt from something...my life or maybe someone elses real or pretend not sure yet...

So there I am. M Street. 2am. Can't sleep. 2:43am and still eyes open. So now I am thinking? Now I am making decisions? A few more hours and I get up. Brush teeth oh wait no toothbrush. That is in my overnight bag which is now inside my car located in the garage of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Well at least my car is sleeping...in style. 3:12am. He is sleeping. I am happy for that fact. He needs it more than I. I want to sleep and yet I can sense that I am not to do so right now in this place, this night, morning. So many things, thoughts, ideas and people are jogging, some sprinting in and out of my head. Like small talk why do people even bother? Is there such a thing as big talk? why so specifically call out mundane conversation with an actual name? It is the only type of conversation with a name. 4am. Are you kidding? Still I am awake? We have to get up at 5am. He to California and I back to Virginia. Less than 24 hours spent in each other prescence and yet I feel miles past better than 5 months with the other. I'm here, lying still, breathing, wide awake, feeling rested for the first time in months. Go back there? I think not. Not for a while. Slip away for a while, take a break. Afterall not why I moved there. 4:15am. I do feel sleepy. He will drive me back to the Ritz. Kiss and hug goodbye. We walked around the capital last night. ate italian, drank vodka with orange slices, red wine and discussed architecture. we walked around georgetown holding hands, laughing at young protestors dressed in black, even the jaggedly cut scarfs attached to their faces were black. Is not the point of protesting is that the oppressor sees you? And then really what are you going to honestly stop or change but your underwear that your mom still buys you? I am drifing off it seems. I will go back to the small town. To trying to bring it all into focus. To drifting close to the bottom. He to fast cars and rubbing noses with the likes of Molly Sims. Until next time when we end up in this place again. It won't necessarily be M street but it will always be. Alarm goes off. 5am. I slept. No dreams. Time for those later.

observation # 12,487

we are complex beings us humans. movies and books speak of good and evil yet in the end we are so much more. we make choices based in the moment - we do things that are not often backed up by reason. find ourselves in places been before and can never seem to know why. we care what others think of us, feel about us and how we are viewed...even by ones that when a light is turned on we don't like what we see we still care about their thoughts on us. there are times when you do the right thing and then others where you wish a time machine existed at the local convenience store. Still we continue to get up and keep going...except for those that don't for there are some of those. A 50 / 50 chance exists at our finger tips everyday. most questions we are able to find answers for yet always there are a few splattering of questions we seek and never ever locate answers to. still we keep going on, moving foward. we are selfish, mean, inconsiderate, friendly, loving, compassionate, unforgiving, judgmental, self-centered, fearful, critical, hypocritical, inconsistent, contradicting, untrusting, scared, lonely, vulnerable, brave, condeming, surprising, generous, forgiving, smoothering, frightening, serious, forgetful, unexamining, selective, humorous...complex. human. i hope someday someone will look at me, see me and get that i too am human. until then i am on my own. i'm going to bed soon and in the morning i plan to get up, continue to search for answers, not judge, shoot to not care that others do of me, make some good decisions - attempt to do so, take a few turns, and perhaps swing into a convenience store just to see...

I love this guy.

I've been reading about The Lone Ranger as of late and find each time I read something else or new about the character, the history of the show, etc. I feel more and more connected to someone. He sticks for me. In my world that rarely happens. And I've been at it for a while now. It is not all bad, actually it is fine. That is who I get to be. I am realizing that and beginning to accept that destiny and it feels good, real, solid. That is my misson, my role. I find in the last few weeks I have an extra pep in my step, more smiles on my face, and a happiness, hopefullness streaming throughout my body on a regular basis. It just could be I have found a soulmate afterall. Not closing the door on it though, yet. Or maybe it is that you can have more than one SM and here is one such SM. I am leanin that way for sure. Anyway, take a peek, a gander, a read on the history of The Lone Ranger character - maybe you too will find a connection. Peace.

The Lone Ranger originated on WXYZ radio in Detroit in 1933. Created by George W. Trendle and written by Fran Striker, the show became so popular it was one of the reasons why several stations linked together to share programming on what became the Mutual Broadcasting System. Aimed primarily at the children's audience, The Lone Ranger made a successful transition to ABC televi-sion in 1949. Several characteristics were unique and central to the premise of this western, and the initial episode which explained the legend was occasionally repeated so young viewers would under-stand how the hero gained his name and why he wore a mask. The Lone Ranger was one of six Texas Rangers who were ambushed while chasing a gang of outlaws led by Butch Cavendish. After the battle, one "lone ranger" survived, and was discovered by Tonto, a Native American who recognized the survi-vor as John Reid, the man who had saved his life earlier. Tonto thereafter referred to the ranger as "kemo sabe," which is trans-lated as "trusty scout." After Tonto helped him regain his strength, the ranger vowed to hide his identity from Cavendish and to dedicate his life to "making the West a decent place to live." He and Tonto dug an extra grave to fool Cavendish into believing all six rangers had died, and the ranger donned a mask to protect his identity as the single surviving ranger. Only Tonto knows who he is ... the Lone Ranger. After he and Tonto saved a silver-white stallion from being gored by a buffalo, they nursed the horse back to health and set him free. The horse followed them and the Lone Ranger decided to adopt him and give him the name Silver. Shortly thereafter, the Lone Ranger and Tonto encountered a man who, it turns out, has been set up to take the blame for murders committed by Cavendish. They estab-lished him as caretaker in an abandoned silver mine, where he produced silver bullets for the Lone Ranger. Ev-en after the Cavendish gang was captured, the Lone Ranger decided to keep his identity a secret. Near the end of this and many future episodes, someone asks about the identity of the masked man. The typical response: "I don't rightly know his real name, but I've heard him called... the Lone Ranger."
The Lone Ranger exemplified upstanding character and righ-teous purpose. He engaged in plenty of action, but his silver bullets were symbols of "justice by law," and were never used to kill. For the children's audience, he represented clean living and noble effort in the cause of fighting crime. His values and style, including his polished manners and speech, were intended to provide a positive role model. The show's stan-dard musical theme was Rossini's "William Tell Overture," accompa-nied by the Lone Ranger voicing a hearty "Hi-Ho, Silver, away" as he rode off in a cloud of dust. Clayton Moore is most closely associated with the TV role, but John Hart played the Lone Ranger for two seasons. The part of Tonto was played by Jay Silverheel-s. After the original run of the program from 1949 to 1957, it was regu-larly shown in reruns until 1961, and later in animat-ed form. The Lone Ranger has also been the subject of comic books and movies. Both the original and animated versions of the program have been syndicated. Perhaps no fictional action hero has become as established in our culture through as many media forms as the Lone Ranger. Clayton Moore made personal appearanc-es in costume as the Lone Ranger for many years, until a corpora-tion which had made a feature length film with another actor in the role obtained a court injunction to halt his wearing the mask in public. Moore continued his appearances wearing oversized sun glasses. He later regained the right to appear as the Lone Ranger, mask and all. [written by B.R. Smith - got to give the cred where the cred is due!]

suspicious activity indeed

FOND DU LAC, Wisconsin (AP) -- Someone is either too cheap to buy his own toilet paper or planning a big prank.
Fond du Lac County Executive Allen Buechel said someone has been repeatedly stealing toilet paper from the men's public bathrooms at the Fond du Lac City County Government Center since June.
Buechel suspects the person comes in once or twice a week around midday and gets about six rolls a week from dispensers. Some rolls weren't even full, he said.
The thefts haven't been a big loss.
"We don't buy the best toilet paper," Buechel said.
He expects the thief to get caught. "Someone is going to walk in on him when he's doing it and we'll catch him," he said.
Courthouse officials are on the lookout for suspicious activity.
County sheriff Capt. Dean Will didn't return a call for comment Friday.

The Environment, My Environment

Today is Blog Action Day and we are suppose to blog on the environment. Any environment, any aspect, opinion, feeling, idea on it. Anything at all as long as it is some how connected to the environment. I've looked at these two sentences now for about 20 minutes. Write about the environment? I'm stumped. Which is not really difficult to do as any of you know. I did dye my hair a while back but at one time say just around birth I was a natural blonde. I usually find myself writing about me. I mean it is what I know best...oh wait that is not accurate. It is what I think I know. What I am figuring out. I'm an expert on NOT knowing me. Ah the environment. Ok here goes. I live by the water. A bay, an ocean, and creeks. Tall trees line my driveway made of clam and oyster shells. I have a room with a bed, a crap load of books, one small closet with mismatch uncoordinated clothes (some folded, some thrown up on a shelf in a ball), a cd player that no longer works, candles at all different heights, a big head red lab dog saunters around me and sleeps like a baby each night, squirrels drop acorns all day from trees onto the tin roof, large black snakes slither past my car, mice scramble inside the screened in porch now as the cool fall weather is finally here, power and sail boats are regular passengers in my backyard, blue sky, clouds, ...this is my environment. The one I am now most close to, love and cherish. An environment I cannot imagine not having. One environment existing, floating alone, barely touched by man or woman. My environment.

it is contagious afterall..spelling is hard

so first, check this out... I got through and they bought it. They are gonna let me teach kids.
http://www.esoartscenter.org/instructors.html

but then get this! I sent a good friend the above website address and the news of my new teaching gig. Below is our email exchange that I just had to share:

Her: That is great. But at first I thought it said, "escortcenter", and got worried!"
Me: Ha that is great. I have not given that up as an option and as you know I am looking for a another jon...

Now that is good stuff. Once again I say to you, "Happy Fall Ya'll!"

Hey! Hey! Hey!

It's finally here. Fall is in the air. I am so happy. I feel so inspired and rejuvenated! Crisp breeze coming in the window of my bedroom, leaves blowing all around, sleeping soundly through the night with odd dreams that are soon forgotten once awake, getting dressed without sweating, the smell of a gas grill, dogs barking, frogs singing, accorns falling from the trees and crashing on the metal roof outside my bedroom; scaring me to death each time, kids screaming (some random kids - not mine - I assume that somewhere there are kids screaming), bills to be paid, a new job to be found, broken relationship at an end, amoxicillin to take, an entire show to write, therapy to attend, career to focus on...oh wait crap fall is here and I am way behind on it all. Yet still inspired and all seems ok. I love this time of year. All appears possible even if you don't know what ALL is! I took a bath last night with bubbles in it, drank two glasses of red wine, listened to some JT on the cd player(old JT), and I did not need to turn on the fan - I knew fall was on its way. Fall finally arriving is like if that funky, smart and a little bit out there guy friend you met two years ago randomly in a bar in Vermont calls you out of the blue and says, "hey I happen to be traveling through Virginia and I think I'm near your house, wanna go get drunk?" And without hesitation, as you are jumping into your car you squeal, "hell yes!" You two proceed to get smashed, dance by a jukebox, meet and tell people at the one bar in town you are divorced but thinking about getting back together and he has been away in Spain for the last year, you make out perhaps some heavy petting. Then the next day he is gone, off to the next chance town, friend. Yet you're not sad when he leaves, only content and a little bit calmer. You find the next morning you actually do wake up, get up at 6am and write on your show, you take your amoxicillin on time, pay the bills, develop the PR piece for your show, have a lead on a new job, say yes to a date inquiry and ponder just for a moment ok maybe screaming kids, my screaming kids would be kind of sort of cool...someday. Or is fall finally arriving more like a peanut butter and banana sandwich? Happy Fall ya'll!

tricky abnormal cells

[the pic on the ceiling of my doctor's office along with little fish ornaments hanging in the ceiling]

So I finally had my gyn doctor appointment today. Third time is a charm. The first time my doc got called into emergency surgery. After ofcourse I had already peed in the cup, blood pressure taken, and seen that I am actually indeed 5 pounds heavier then I thought. Then the second time my Aunt Ruby came to visit so I had to cancel the appt. as you women can guess. Some guy, and I say some guy cause now that is what he is, said to me when I told him I had to cancel it due to my visitor, "really? why?" To which I said back, "really you have to ask that one?"

So now here we are at the third and final. I was there having a procedure done to make sure I do not have cancer. Some abnormalities were detected in my overall exam so we were all there just making sure all was ok. I say all of us cause well me, the doc and the nurse. A party so to speak. Naturally after the predictable, "put your foot here and here and scooch down...a little bit more, and still some more, and ok one more scooch", the exam starts (and I won't provide specifics - not so much cause it is gross or anything but more cause you men just could not handle it. Oh what we do for you!) and all three of us at once notice that the theme from Titanic is playing in the background (they have music piped into each exam room. It is very thoughtful. You almost feel as if you are sitting on the beach somewhere exotic, listening to a beach bar cd player, sipping a refreshing pina coloda...I think what does not quite take me to that nice place is well ah the poking part). My doc proceeded to make a witty comment on it. Nice touch. I like a gyn doc that has a sense of humor. Makes me wonder less why he does this particular line of medicine and keeps me from each time I "visit" (as if, what is there tea and scones being served?) asking, "Does your mama know what you do for a living?" I've not heard the Titanic song by the lovely and sort of alien looking Miss Deon since I almost walked out of the movie like what 10 years ago? Come on sink the damn boat already! Without hesitation I then reply (feet up, lovely plastic cover on my lower body), "I am king of the world." Now the party is really in full swing and it seems that all are having a lovely time. My doc then says, "well first everything initially seems and feels good and nothing that I can see is going on down there." To which I reply, "ah gee I mean I am no doc, doc, but I could have made that diagnosis" He thought funny, the nurse not so much. She must be married. Anyway...all went well and tests will be done to make sure but I am confident on the staying alive for a while longer concept. Good news? No cancer it seems. The bad news? Have to keep checking on a more regular basis since those pesky abnormal cells made their grand entrance a while back. I paid my copay to the receptionist, went to the library and paid my overdue book fine (4 bucks! well worth it - my favorite charity as the three of you know), got my first cup of java for the day at the just borderline depressing Valero gas and convenience store in Nassawaddox and drove on into my main job (one of 4 now!). As one of my much loved t-shirts claims, "Ho hum, just another shitty day in paradise"

You'll never believe what happened to me

when I went to CNN.com for my daily dose of news and I got this instead -

"Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon married this past Saturday evening.
The vows were squeezed in between the 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. shows of "Hans Klok's The Beauty of Magic" at Planet Hollywood resort, casino spokeswoman Amy Sadowsky said.
Anderson is starring as a magician's assistant.
"Hello, I just got married ... I did," she said after performing the second show of the night. "I'm distracted. It's a big day. A big day at the office."
Salomon, 38, is best-known for making a sex videotape with Paris Hilton, his girlfriend at the time, and was previously married to actress Shannen Doherty."

Ah...so, well, ok. I started to think about what I am best known for. I recognize that there are several other themes within this little piece of "news" I could think on and discuss but really do I need to do that? Why I do this to myself I am never really sure. I am not clear as to why I volunteer to take myself down these paths but alas I do and so here goes. Let's see...

"Maclay, undisclosed age, is best-known for drinking large amounts of coffee throughout the day, wearing her heart on her sleeve and often her shoulders, wanting to rescue broken men, not giving up on people, every once in a while saying something witty and making people laugh, and wearing baggy boy jeans.

Hurray!!

lily is wearing her hair up again...welcome back.

yum and then some

This morning I ate some, all to be truthful, Tom's Pork Skin (chicharrones) B.B.Q flavored...0g total carbs - trans fat per serving...approx. 3.5 per bag...all 3.5 servings went into my belly. Then I had some coffee with irish creme half and half. Then a big glass of water. It is now 3:15pm. I don't feel hungry. Am I full? Nope. Yet no desire to eat food. I am going to reheat my coffee from this morning. I never finish the entire cup. I just sip on it all day long. It is really the closest to commitment I been these days. I just got done reading some blogs and looking at pictures of comedians and actorsI don't know, barely heard of. Not their fault by any means. I have been out of the scene both as a performer and as an audience member for some time now. I find it soothing to get lost in time looking at pictures of people I don't know. I don't know why I do it that is all I know. It is a cloudy sort of humid threatening to rain but you know it is not going to sort of Saturday. I am going to turn off the AC and open the doors, maybe A window. I will be right back. That's nice. After my second job last night I went to the local pub in town. I was tired and desired a cold brew. I had three. Met up with some friends. Met some very extremely hard to believe that they were standing up drunk old guys that were exuding the gay vibe but verbally denied it all night. Even as one danced the shag with me (don't ask how I know how I just do. Just part of growing up in North Cackalackie aka Carolina...oh and they drove up blasting "Oh Sweet Caroline" on their boom box in the back of the car I mean van). I love gay people, all people, well most heteros but if you are something why not just be it? How dare I ask that actually! Even in a small town it is cool. Oh well...then I said goodbye to the friends, the two guys that asked myself and the guy I am dating if we were brother and sister, a first and I got to tell you I hope a last and I was back in my car heading north back home. Slipped in between my sheets about 2am. Zonked out till 9am or so this morning. Got ready, got in my car aka my mom's car - my bro is back on the shore for a visit - stopped for coffee and pork rinds (the very items mentioned earlier) and headed to my second job. Full circle and here I am. I am out of here in 15 minutes. Off to a shore party, fundrasier sort of gig I am volunteering at. Oh boy what a life I do lead. Or should I say follow? Yes. That sounds more appropriate. I need to talk to my BF, I need to focus on my career, I need to start running again, I need to get focused and collect some shit and place in piles. Alas I think what I will do before I go is well sure check out some blogs, maybe click on some pictures with funny quip descriptions underneath of people in places I don't either recognize, know or have been...wait are those home grown and made pickles I just saw in the frig?

you can look at it this way or that

A friend of mine, well a good aquaintence really I guess, from my NYC stand up comedy days is in love. He did not tell me this directly cause we don't really chat anymore since I have moved to the eastern shore but from time to time we exchange emails and I like to read his blog to keep on top of what he is up to. We did not part on bad terms at all just parted. Our lives took different turns about a year ago that is all. He is a good guy and the one well one of the three performers I performed with on a regular basis and care about that I think will make it in the biz someday. Anyway...I went to his blog the other day and there was indication that he is madly in love. My first reaction? I smiled and said out loud, "good for that dude!" The funny good thing is that I truly and utterly meant it! That got me to thinking. Ut oh! I am not in a super duper spot in my life right now I do have to say. Not real focused or clear on my career and well just not as happy as I know I can and will be. I am doing a lot of digging and searching into my soul and that work is just hard and most of the time the main headqarters is not located in happyland yet the work and effort is necessary to get to that land - so why was my reaction so positive to his news when it could easily have been the opposite? I could have screamed out loud, rolled around on the floor, curled up in a fetal position in my bed and refused get up, or simply spit through perched lips venom of "why him and why not me? why is everyone else bloody in love and happy when I am not?" wow that sort of felt good, ha! It was an afterthought and not a first thought and for that I am jovial in fact. One can choose to see every situation, every occurance and interaction with others and life in so many ways and can do so at will. This fasicnates (what a funny word that is yes? fasicnating!) me and fills me with such hope and dare I say it? Happiness! I am ok, even beyond ok to even delight with the knowledge that someone has fallen, someone else is in love. This insight propels me to keep movin' on and upward, to keep going in this direction I've choosen, the path not gone down and to keep digging to get to China I mean Happyland. On a Friday one cannot ask for more than that...or at least it works for this little ole one here on the shore. (I like to call myself little ole one cause it is a play on words since I am NOT old and it also makes me feel skinny).

so much material, so little time...

now i am no reporter but ",and the devil"? perhaps would be the better lead off sentence. And do you think choosing George Michaels as your defense attorney was wise? And if i had a nickel for every time "unwanted touching without force" aka sexual assault happened i would have...well just a dime but...just read the article in today's "news"

DETROIT -- The Michigan Supreme Court has agreed to review a sex assault case involving allegations against a local pastor, and the devil.
The case surrounded Gennaro Piscopo, the 55-year-old pastor of Evangel Christian Church in Roseville.
In 2003, Piscopo was convicted of sexually assaulting a female church member during a deliverance ceremony in which Piscopo said he expelled the devil from the woman's body Michigan's high court has agreed to hear the case because a key piece of testimony, about the devil, was not allowed. According to court records, the woman indicated she "had been raped by a demon" and sexually assaulted by Satan himself, who she claimed was living in her attic at the time of the exorcism.
"Either way it's a reason to doubt the truth," said defense attorney George Michaels. "And it's reason to doubt whether or not there was a criminal sexual conduct."
The woman has also claimed that she was sexually assaulted, during a separate incident, by her own father, who also happens to be a minister. The allegation against the woman's father was not part of the Piscopo trial, but Michaels said it should have been. "The jury was out for five days. Had they had this information that would have gone toward her credibility."
Michaels also argued during Wednesday's appeal that the exorcism by Piscopo was performed in front of more than 100 people. According to Michaels, none of the witnesses said it was inappropriate to touch someone while performing an exorcism.
During the first trial Piscopo was convicted of fourth-degree sexual assault which refers to "unwanted touching without force." Piscopo is on probation during the appeals process. It is now up to the Michigan Supreme Court to decided if Piscopo gets a new trial.

Only one thing can help me today Part Deux!

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coke, scone, advil, french fries, sleep, pulled pork sandwich, time machine, toothbrush, forgiveness, Orbit White gum in the big bucket that says removes over 40% of stains (on what they do not mention), the missing belt loop on my oversized boy jeans, popcicles, tabasco, coffee, a banana, commitment, lip gloss, new cell phone battery, a career, the ability to focus, and some Old Bay seasoning potato chips...oops I now see not just one thing needed.

Only one thing can help me today

I am so angry. Angry at someone and what has happened...how it got to this point. In a way I am angry with myself as well. But I will get to me later! For now? Just going to breathe, step back, and go get some seafood and cold brews. At the Harvest Fest at Sunset Beach here on the shore! Read all about it...http://www.virginia.org/site/description.asp?attrID=18852

I was not going to go but a good friend of mine scored me a free ticket. Right in my budget man. I am off to "forget about life for a while" as one song writer is known to sing. Then it is First Wednesday tonight! I am doing a set and have a special guest so if you are around come on down...http://www.1stwednesdayesva.com/

I am out.

Wish I had done it first.

Ah relationships! Ain't they grand? Check out more of these super cartoons at http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com/

Cry for the day?

I don't wanna be a grown up!

Specifics on the show in November

I will post this again...and again...and again I am sure but here are the details on the One Woman Show I am doing November 17th, 7pm, at ESO (Eastern Shores Own) Arts Center in Belle Haven, VA., 10 bucks!

An evening of the "Spoken Word" brings together Michelle Maclay and POETCYN with their unique life perspectives. The first half of the evening it is Michelle Maclay's comic take on her life experience will having you laughing out loud or, at least, knowingly nodding with a smile (perhaps rueful) at her insights. POETCYN, in the second half, will move you with her powerful life poetry. Passionate readings of life subjects that bring a thrill and a fierce understanding that this Lady knows of whence she came - and where she IS. An evening not to be missed!

I thought I had it bad

Oh my. Miss Britney Spears just lost custody of her kids! Come on people do not tell me you don't know who this celebrity is. Even if you don't read any sort of paper, have no internet access, and reside under a rock there is no way you could avoid this girl and news about her. It seaps in - no matter where you live! She is 25 and a celebrity. She has two kids that now she has lost to her ex husband, Federline. Lost to custody that is not in a literal sense of losing them. I won't go into the details and I am not even sure I have an opinion either way on it. I really have NO idea what is going on in the case, nor her life, so who am I to even consider an opinion let alone take a side or judge. I don't know this person yet I seem to have access to everything about her - whether true or not it is out there. Her next record is now to be delayed it's release, from her critics she bombed at a recent award show, everyone on her staff is jumping ship, and bascially the gal is speeding at a very fast clip down the slope toward rock bottom. As I was brushing my teeth this morning for some reason she popped into my head. This gal needs help or at least someone to give her advice! I think it is me. I have no idea how to get in touch with her so I am hoping that some how she is on the internet today and comes across my blog...I read hers so it only seems fair. Here is my advice: When I feel like it is all crumbling down around me - Here is what I do - I take a hot hot bath, drink a very chilled glass of white wine, (I know booze right now is also an issue for you but I am totally ok with you having this one glass - it is a critical component to my formula) I close my eyes, breathe in and out once with all that is in me, and I then run through all going on in my life and simply choose just one thing in that life that I can actually control and I focus on JUST that one thing. It can be very small even - for example taking back the library book that is now overdue by a month (says the letter I just received in the mail). I know Brit life is really bad when one cannot even take back a library book! Now that we both do not have assistants. Ah the library is a worthy charity so secretly I don't mind! JUST DO ONE thing Brit. I can call you that yes? And I promise that one thing will lead to another and so on...as you are doing that one thing and other issues pop into your head just say NO. Not now. Right now I am focusing on JUST this one thing. I am taking that book back to the library and nothing else matters. Good luck Miss Spears. Luckily in this situation the two choices are clear and pretty cut and dry. One either makes it through or one does not. One or the other happens. I know you can do it; choose to get through it just as I have today. Make a decision and do it. We can do it! JUST ONE thing. Return that library book today. I will see you there...I hope.

Don't like the scenery? Pull up the anchor

or make an appointment to see a therapist - whichever applies. For me it is the lader, later, ladder (how do you spell that word?) I think I need a little pull or maybe it is a push over this last hump. Actually I am pretty sure it is the same hump that has always been here just now it seems bigger, taller and unscalable. When I moved to the shore a year ago (from where not important for this entry) I moved knowing it would be a tough time. Simply because I made the decision to not just make a physical move but to make a mental move. I needed to be somewhere like the shore and be with family and friends for this mental shift. That good ole unconditional love and support sorta thang...the family supplying both since I did not really know anyone outside of them here. And that was cool. What I was looking for and needed.

I've been bumping into the hump for some time now, climbing up and even at times toes touching the ground on the other side. It is now apparent to me that though my feet have grazed the grass over there they are not grounded on that side and I keep ending up back on the side I started from. It seems to be choices I continue to make. I am that gerbel that keeps running on the wheel over and over again and asking myself each time I go round, "Why am I back here again?" Luckily, by chance even, this last weekend gave me a gift. Because of a chain of events, choices or decisions by others that hit my life I was able to see it clearly for the first time. I still see the hump and it is tall, big yet now I can tell the specific height, the length; all the dimensions. I clearly now see that what I need is a lader, later, wait a ladder - and that the right one is all that is not clear for me now...so gotta go see a man about a horse, ahem I mean about a therapist.