This statement seems dumb to me. Wasting time. How does one do that and why do people often say that when they find themselves in a situation they did not expect or want to be in? "Man that was such a waste of time!" I hear it often. I do not think you can actually waste time. Time goes by and that is it. You go with the time. While you are in it most often you don't feel like it is wasted or otherwise you would stop what you were doing right then and there correct? You spend time with people, you spend time on things, going places and experiencing all that is happening. Time goes by and that is it. Sandra Bullock said in a film once in response to a counselor telling her to "take it one day at a time"...SB: "What is it with you people and this one day at a time thing? As if I have any choice to take two three days at a time!" Precisely.
Only just now looking back on that road it all seems to make sense.
In the heat of the moment, in the middle of that time it was all so chaotic, so intense and in my face.
Yet here up on top of this still calm mountain it causes me to not blink when thinking of such current simplicity.
I was in that place a location with no name, no calendar to mark the time as it passed, drifted on top of cool deep water.
And at present I sense and feel even a head turning toward the clear shadows and I realize it is me seeking an answer.
My self possession only at this time in this place asking to be recognized, demanding it, atlast.
A request made to be taught a skill that will win the prize, bestow the first place ribbon upon my chest.
And then at last all at once in a flash you are here next to me, not touching me.
You also looking out into that time, that past place and you stand motionless so to not initiate disturbance.
So we are together yet all the same we are just alone, separate and touching only when bumping into one another.
I am running in the rock n roll 1/2 marathon in Virginia Beach on September 2nd...along with a whole gaggle of fine and fun ladies and a few gentlemen here from the Eastern Shore of Virginia. Shout out to you all! Wow been a long time since I've said that, maybe a good reason why...but I digress!
wait that doesn't sound so good now that I read it in print.
I have a view
I woke up this morning with such a feeling of power. I realized that in a few weeks my first year now living on the eastern shore will be complete. From one big perspective I feel that it has gone really fast and I have not accomplished anything at all. Then when I dive into the specifics I come to see that I have done a lot...especially for someone that had a mini life crisis or half a breakdown in NYC, uprooted 9 years of history and scooted down the coast to live with her parents after 20 years of being on her own. The shore embraced me. Took me in and gave me just what I needed - it is as if this place knew how to heal me without even asking me what I wanted or needed to do so. Which is nice for a couple of reasons...if asked that question at the time of first coming here to the shore I would have had no idea of what to say and two because well let's face it a piece of land, an area talking to you, let alone asking you, "hey there little lady how can we the ocean, the bay, the land help you?" would seem a tad bit out there to say the least. I said I experienced a mini life crisis not complete craziness. I am not crazy. Although I read somewhere that people who say they are not crazy tend to ah well be so. A little crazy is sometimes good. It keeps one sane. Back to my first year here on the shore - What have I done so far in this 12 months? I believe I have discovered or rather uncovered the type of performer, artist I want to be. That takes a long time people. At least a year. Now I have to do it, execute it, make it happen as one may say. That is the second year. What else? I've been working on myself, relationships and all that crap of the heart and at times the head. I am dating someone. A someone. I am learning that timing may not be everything but it IS a big part of it. I am not giving up in this area and that takes guts. I have come to realize that I am brave. I now know that you do have to walk out on the limb for the fruit but fuck then you see how far the drop is! I have to say it feels like I am making progress yet still have a ways to go all at once, tied together. This is hard. I truly understand why people hesitate to do it, to go there and why they retreat from it, put up all defenses so as not to deal with it. At the same time I find I am conflicted - how can one NOT deal with it? How can one allow that big fat elephant to continue to rest in that corner? A big realization is that I have done a lot of work this last year and there is still more to do in this coming year.
So why do I say I woke this morning with such a feeling of power? My answer? Even though there are no numbers involved, do the math.
Isabella can hear the break.
A crack that splits evenly and smoothly down the middle.
Each half precisely even in its own right.
A child would have no need to deliberate over which to choose; simply choose either or.
A gasp releases from her mouth, over her lips before her brain gives any signal to do so.
Her heart is breaking and there is nothing to do but let it go.
She has been here before. There is pain and then relief.
A good friend has come to sit next to her and Isabella welcomes the heartache.
It is familiar and it knows her, believes in her and holds her hand like no other can or will.
The smell of the heartache is not sweet yet not bitter. An acid taste rests on her tongue, lingeres and then sinks inside her.
Through the shearing pain of this once again known event, Isabella makes a decision, a conclusion and rips off the band aid to expose her wound.
As a hamster finally sees the ground below the wheel and leaps with faith not knowing why only that the current round and round has to stop.
Isabella speaks, wait whispers to the emptry white room, "this is the last time we shall be together you and I"
She kicks the heartache to the curb, steps on it, turns and walks away with back to it for good.
Not one more day, one more hour shall Isabella consume her soul to it even if in eternity she is all alone.
One final gurgle of rotten liquid rises up from her stomach, passes along her throat as a speeding train escaping a dark city and then it silently floats, slinks out to the blue green water of the bay.
I am grateful for...
I am not even looking for it, searching it out but it is there; in my face.
to come)What is the HB (which it will now be referred to as from here on out) you dare ask? Or did I just ask that? Or am I hearing voices?
No voices but my own just the recovery from 15 Sam Adams, 3 Kamikazie shots, A piece of chicken and 2 tomatoes, a combination of 11 hours of sleep over a three day period, 10 Coors Lights, 3 Budweisers, one fourth of a hamburger from the Elbow Room, 4 bites of wedding cake, 6 sips of a Diet Coke, 7 bites of a spicy hot pork chinese plate, 1 Blue Moon beer with what I am pretty sure was a rotten orange slice, half of a BLT, 1 bottle of Smart water (if you have to ask then you are not well..ah how do I say this nicely? Not smart), a cup of coffee, seven hours of sitting on my ass driving from New York back to the Eastern Shore, and...wait where was I?
Yes, the HB. Wait, what was that noise? oh my boss is here. Got to go...I will be back later to continue on and tell you all about the HB as well as other tidbits from what I now will call...
"My Wedding weekend extravaganza!" It was superb, amazing even.
Till later...
My name is Tess.
I just went to NYC for the weekend. My first time back since my move to the Eastern Shore of Virginia a mere 8 months ago. Wow. It was fun. I expected it to be sad and it was the opposite. It was exciting, validating, reassuring. I had made the right move afterall at just the right exact time I needed to. It was fantastic. I went down to the west village and crashed on into one of my old stomping grounds. A bar called Fiddlesticks; to have one beverage, one beer, to use the bathroom. Four hours, four beers and four conversations with a cute Irish bartender later and all was as it should be! I then headed to Corner Bistro - by far the best hamburger in the city. Munched on a huge burger and sipped a McSorleys, read my Vanity Fair and just had a lovely time. Then off to the Art Bar on 8th ave before heading to midtown, west side of it to meet with old NYC friends and more beverage. I sat at the Art bar alone. There was a hustle bustle all around me, it was packed with people out celebrating the weekend to come and all seemed high on happy - afterall it was Friday early evening in the greatest city in the world. I was sitting there alone and yet I was so far from alone. I soaked it all in. Me there, the city...hey it was all still going on and going on strong and vibrant without me. It hit me. The only thing I had missed about this brilliant city, for it is and I highly recommend everyone living there at least once in their lives, was that I missed Asian food! Thai, Chinese, etc...A major problem with a simple solution. Saturday dinner? Thai. Sunday lunch? Vietnamese. All good. All set. Now back to the Eastern Shore of Virginia...after a quick rest stop in up state New York! I am where I want to be for now and damn it Gumby that feels great. And when I am not I shall move on.
Ask!
